Author: lucy@whitecandlecounselling.co.uk

Before deciding to start trying to conceive, we never in a million years thought that we would have any problems.  We kept it relatively quiet and didn’t talk about it with many people, because we were looking forward to suprising people and being excited.  In those initial months I was excited for the future, which then turned into heartbreak each month as we discovered we had been unsuccessful.  I felt embarrassed, the one thing I wanted so much, I couldn’t do.  Everyone around me was getting pregnant and announcing, yet we were keeping quiet, silently going to fertility clinics, going to hospitals, going for tests, doing research, trying to be healthy, wondering what the problem was.  Time was passing by and I wasn’t getting any younger. I was getting triggered by adverts on the TV, social media, posters, other people.

I thought about it all the time.  The announcements from friends, the neighbour asking questions about “when you’re having kids,”, the colleague telling me “don’t leave it too late!” the isolation because some friends stopped contacting me.

Each month brought hope, anxiety, and heartbreak, on repeat. One of the hardest parts was researching the hell out of everything and trying new things, thinking I couldn’t do this and that.  At the same time, infertility taught me the resilience and persistence I never knew I had.

I learned to advocate for myself in medical settings. It wasn’t easy, but I became better at asking the hard questions, seeking second opinions, and challenging.

If you’re reading this and walking a similar path, I want you to know this – you are not alone. It’s okay to grieve, to feel angry, and to take time for yourself. It’s okay to keep trying, and it’s okay to stop.

This journey was one of the most difficult I’ve ever faced, but it has shaped me in ways I’m still coming to understand. And while it hasn’t been easy, I know that sharing this story is a step toward breaking the silence.

I’ve seen quite a few articles on miscarriage and the workplace, and it looks like organisations are trying to get better at supporting their staff going through it.

Going through fertility treatment, experiencing baby loss and getting pregnant is a very personal process, so when it comes to baby loss, managing fertility treatments and appointments, keeping it quiet can be really difficult!!

I’ve listed some strategies from my own personal experience to help you try to maintain your privacy whilst you are on your fertility journey.

1. What is the policy on leave and appointments? Some companies have fertility policies, so find out what your rights are – it will help when it comes to who you need to disclose to and what you are entitled to.
2. Completely understand anyone keeping fertility treatments and baby loss a secret.  I can’t stress this enough, think very carefully about who you tell if you want to keep it quiet. Telling a manager might help if you need to be flexible with work and appointments or if you are feeling unwell but be mindful of those who you think will turn your disclosure into gossip.
3. If possible, try to arrange appointments outside work hours, it makes things easier to keep private if you want to.
4. If you are allowed, request remote or flexible working.  This can help not drawing attention to any appointments you need to attend when you are not due in for work.  You may need to issue a business case to put across the positive reasons for remote or flexible working.
5. Fertility treatments and babyloss might involve taking medications that need to be taken at specific times. Carry your medications discreetly, if you need to take them during work hours, do so in a private location.
6. Our mental health can take a big hit when going through babyloss and fertility treatments. Have some strategies in place to help you manage stress and emotions while at work. Take short breaks if you need to.
7. Make sure you plan some self-care in your schedule so you have a good balance – adequate sleep, a balanced diet, exercise, and relaxing all contribute to your overall well-being.

7 benefits for a person who has gone through baby loss, miscarriage and or infertility to work with a counsellor who specialises in this.

Acceptance – A counsellor can help to validate and affirm your experiences and feelings in a non judgemental way.

Shared experience – A counsellor who has this experience understands the conflicting emotions and unique challenges it presents.

Understanding – A counsellor can understand the strengths and limitations of any health service, waiting times, and the importance of clear communication and empathy.

Break the silence – A counsellor will understand that people might experience a struggle to talk with those closest to them about this because they might find it uncomfortable or that some of the comments might be unintentionally hurtful.

Exploring feelings of guilt/blame – Those that have been through miscarriage and babyloss might go through feelings of guilt or blaming themselves, a counsellor can help them explore these feelings.

Resources – A counsellor will enable clients to connect with relevant resources, support groups, recommend books, blogs and podcasts etc.

Coping strategies – A counsellor might be able to recommend coping strategies to lighten anxiety related to fertility and loss.